Rants of an angry somali man

Just everyday shyt that bothers me....and probably you, too.....basically its mumbles and rambles i ramble to myself....i hope i can release them all here

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Ass: The Great Unifying Force

This morning, I went to get some breakfast before work. It was me, this one white dude with a construction jumpsuit on, and the resturant staff. Nobody was really making any small talk, other than the usual mumbled look at the start of the week.

Well, in walks this woman who looked to be about 35 years old, brazilian, with a really nice ass. She was wearing jeans that showed it off, as well as her nice legs. As fate would have it, both my order, and the jumpsuit guy's order came up at the same time. Still, no words were exchanged...Until we got out the front door.

You would have thought we knew each other for years, the way we instantly bonded. He said "Damn, that woman had ASS!"

So I said "HELL YEAH! THAT'S how you start off a week.

To which he responded "Ain't nothing like a woman with ass. She was nice!" After that, we dapped each other up and went out separate ways. Ass. The Great Unifying Force.

Sorry for my lack of updates over the weekend, I've been pretty busy with meeting family this week. I promise to do better in the week ahead.........aight!!


Honestly...Who Does This?

Last weekend,I had to go to woodgreen north london to take care of some business. That Saturday night, I caught up to my cousin latif and his friend Gerald. We went back to latif's house to have a few drinks, then went to visit these women that they went to high school with.

The night started off great. Everyone was nice, friendly, cordial, and fucked up. The Eddie Murphy "Raw" DVD was playing, and the entire place was having fun. Too bad things went downhill from there.

About 45 minutes into the DVD, the ladies started making fun of my cousin latif, calling him greedy since he ate twice within a half-hour's time. Now, to everyone in the room except Gerald, it was all just fun and jokes. Nothing serious.

To Gerald, however, it must've struck a nerve. For some reason, he stood behind the the young lady that owned the place. Then, out of nowhere, he poured out the water from the bottle that SHE gave him all over the back of her neck. The worst part about it is, after he did it, he just stood there with a look on his face that said "What nigga! Yeah, I did it! You want a piece of me?!?!"

So she did what most normal people would do. She kicked our trifling asses out of her house. I don't really blame her...Especially since I couldn't help but laugh at his audacity. I tried to hold it in, but it didn't work.

The funniest thing is, Gerald is the most friendly-looking, mild-mannered, nice guy 98% of the time. You wouldn't think he's have a short fuse like that...It's funny, cause folks like that are the last ones you want as your enemies. So Gerald, if you're reading this, don't take this shit too personally...LOL

But seriously, though...who does that shit? Who pours water on someone in their own house, then just stands there like it's nothing? Is that's what's going on in the streets right now? Pouring spring water on motherfuckers? At least when a woman splashes a drink on someone in disgust, they have the sense to walk away just in case he snaps and attempts to slap the monkey-shine shit outta her. Gerald just stood there as if he was daring her to make a move. I just hope that folks don't think I put him up to that dumb shit since I laughed at it. At any rate, Gerald has gained a new nickname: "The Waterboy"

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ok, I know by now most of y'all have seen the preview for that new movie with Samuel Jackson in it. You know, the one where he's trapped on a airplane with random skakes. What's the title of it: "Snakes on a mf Plane."That's it. Straight to the point.They could have named it "Venom in the Skies," or "Terror at 30,000 feet." Naw...fukk all that. They said they ran outta titles. They gave the fukk up. So guess what,..."Snakes on a Plane. "Is that the new thing in Hollywood? We just gon' name shyt EXACTLY what it's about? Cuz if so, we need to go back and change the titles of some shyt.
Let's start with "Panic Room." Fukk dat title. We gon' call it, "White Hoes Trapped in a mf House.
"Then we can go change "Amistad." Yep, you guessed it..."Nyggas on a Boat.
"Even a classic like the "Wizard of Oz" can be renamed. How 'bout, "Trippin'' while you Knocked da Fukk Out." Think about it. That's all that shyt was.
How 'bout Forrest Gump...we can call it, "Retard Lives an Amazing Life."Oh, I got another one. "Silence of the Lambs." Lets name it, "Regular Food Just Ain't Good Enough for Me."What about "The Color Purple?" Here we go...."Sistas Catchin Beatdowns."

damn wallahi i think thats enough for today lemme have sleep.....so that i can with ur british manana.....buenos noche's

Today, I'm fed the fukk up. Big surprise, huh?Today's wrath is directed at you corporate minded british mfs who think that natural hair/rasta is "unkept" or "just wrong." You suited and booted mfs think that our shyt has to be freshly twisted and done for it to be accepted.Today i saw some doctor's looking at some jamaican rastaman in disgust just because he's got a rasta HELLO!! It’s a NATURAL hairstyle. They only twist it to control the new growth. Yet your punk azz only gets your shyt "touched up" maybe once a month. All this unnecessary attention focused on HAIR. WTF. It's JUST hair!! If you wanna put attention into something....then focus it on all the nasty shyt that my Caucasian corporate counter-parts do. Like comin' to mf work with they hair still wet. Nasty bytches. Focus on how they wanna put their arm around you or get all close when THEIR clothes are covered in mf cat/dog hair. Back your azz up!! Or what about them who drink 5 mf cups of coffee before 10am and don't even THINK about a stick of gum. Come on now....Orbit is da SHYT!. And let's not forget about my fellow nasty azz co-workers that you see in the bathroom EVERYday who don't wash their hands, but STAY bringing some baked goods from home for office consumption. Don't nobody want that shyt. But a RASTAMAN'S hair is supposedly nasty and unclean. Don't come at me with that bullshyt.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Girl you do the maths!

Real quick-like, I just wanted to share my irritation on some BULLSHYT british behaviour.Say you see a co-worker and her child at the hospital. Why is it that when you ask her, "How old is your son now, " she says some shyt like,"29 months."Girl, WHAT?!You just gon' count the mf days and weeks like he's MILK? He's got a mf expiration date?He's TWO mf years old! SAY THAT!! I ain't got time for unneccesary math. I don't tell you I'm 360 months old then stand there while you do long division and carry the mf one in your head.Ok, I'm done. Holla.

UK.....never thought of it like it is!!

hey i've been in the uk now since august 2.....n i really cant find things to rant about yet.....i think its coz i'm still new or what?.....i'm currently working with NHS as radiologist at ROYAL LONDON HOSPITAL at whitechapel....n i find this english folk'z irritatingly polite n their accent's so funny that i cant stop myself laughing sometime's.......ok now there is this doctor who i cant get word what he says unless i ask twice or somethin.....apparently they say he's from scotland....dont scottish people speak english ....what's up wit this funny accent?......wallahi i've been having the time of my life 4 the past 3 weeks....its my first time working since finishing uni.....n i decided lemme get some work experience here in da uk......otherwise i just started this blog today....n i'll be writing about my past rants and if i find any here in uk.....i'll see u guyz tomorrow or later today.

by the way what's up with cheer's mate shyt?......i dont get it!!!

That shyt aint my somali brother's!!

These young somali bruthas today make me sick to my mf stomach. We're supposed to be further than this as black men. Somebody tell that to your knucklehead azz sons, nephews, and grandsons. They're so caught up out here tryin' to be a thug?You think walkin down the street wit your big azz pants hanging off is da shyt? Muggin' back at me harder than i'm muggin' you doesn't make you a thug. You're supposed to be hard now, 'cuz your hat is turned sideways, and you got shiny shyt in your mouth? Whateva, man. A lil do-rag on ur big azz head ain't impressing nobody.You wanna impress me.....hold down 2 jobs while still finding time to keep your house clean. Send some money home to somalia at least someone even if its not ya close relative. Pay your mf bills on time without borrowing money. Get promoted at work. Take care of your mf kids (and not just cuz the law forces you to). THATS impressive. You think disrespectin' that sista makes you a pimp? Not hardly, you lil bytch azz mf. Spendin' time in jail doesn't make you a mf thug. It just makes u a dumb . Why the fukk are in front of the liquor store when i'm on my way to work? It ain't even open yet. That shyt ain't cute!These young bruthas today ain't going to school. They don't have a will to succeed. Why bother? Their subject and verb doesn't HAVE to agree. They're imitating who they see on TV and videos, and this bullshyt azz music they hear on the radio. A bunch of ignorant azz mfs. Wake your dumb azzes up my somali bro's. How about putting as much emphasis on working hard and being a good example as you do chattin mumble jumble somali politics. Better yet, how about KEEPIN' a job. Damn!! For starters, how about GETTIN' a mf job?Can you do that?Huh?!

stingy mcdonalds

Don't you just HATE a mf who's stingy with some shyt that ain't theirs to begin with? Oh, you know what i'm talkin' about. Like them bytches at McDonald's. They know damn well that ONE sweet-n-sour sauce aint enuff for TEN nuggets. But you wanna be stingy with the extra sauces? Talkin' bout, "15 cents, please." Fukk you, you miminum wage makin' bytch. Can YOU afford 15 cents for some shyt you supposed to get for FREE? How bout you just turn around and grab 'bout 4 or 5 of them . Some of y'all might wanna keep some in the glove box.And what about them at the bank's drive thru? You can't put a deposit slip in that 'lil tube? A mf has to drive around and come INSIDE to get one? That's how you feel? if we wanted to get out the car, we wouldn't be in the DRIVE THRU! And i know KNOW u mfs got a STACK of them joints right next to you. GIMME!! You stingy bytch! If i'm depositing MY money in your bank, handing me a deposit slip should be an added bonus. Now you gon try to hinder my financial transaction? You should be able to stuff a bank TELLER in that lil tube if a mf needs you to. You talkin' bout, "You gotta come inside for that." Bytch, it says "DRIVE" thru, not "pull up and I'll let you know if you need to come in" thru. When my money is in YOUR bank...I make the rules.And finally, what about them petty mfs in restaurants who only give you refills on sodas. Why the FUKK can't I get a refill on the cranberry juice or the apple juice. I don't drink sodas. Is it gonna hurt you THAT much to go in the back get some more? REALLY?!