CRAZY'S BEST WAY TO AVOID THEM

Im not gonna start talkin' bout' why i haven't been bloggin' but this year is diffrent so i'll get straight to my rants..........Earlier last month, I stopped by Edgeware to grab a quick bite to eat. Upon leaving, I found myself in a bit of a predicament as I waited for the light to change in order to cross some U Street. I was standing next to an older lady, and approaching us from further up the street was a lanky fellow, moving in very spastic fits . He was also grunting and yelling out obscenities that made no sense whatsoever, like

“F*@K YOU! THE F**KIN’ SUN GOT MY CAT PREGNANT! HIT ME MOTHERF**KER! AAAAARGH!!! YOUR TEETH ARE SEXY!”

I can’t pretend to actually remember the exact words that this guy said, but it was something along those lines. As he approached, I knew that I had two options. Readers take note, because these are the ONLY two ways to successfully avoid crazy people in public places:

Option 1: Avoid eye contact at all costs, remain still, and peek out of the corner of my eyes to keep this fool in my peripheral vision in case he makes a move. That way, I can see it coming and push his crazy ass into oncoming traffic, or deliver a stern shin kick and throat chop ya kichizi. Yes, I fight dirty.

Who am I kidding? I’m not fighting some tall, smelly, crazy fool if I don’t have to! I’d probably attempt a juke move on him to evade the tackle, then run for dear life! I’m too old for that tough-guy stuff.

If you take nothing else from this, remember to avoid making eye-contact. Eye-contact to crazy people is like sh*t to flies: It draws them in.

Option 2: The other option when confronted with a situation like this is to out-crazy the crazy guy. I don’t recommend trying this unless you are pretty sure that the person is not really as crazy as he seems. Out-crazying a crazy person requires you to do what he or she does, but equal their effort or go above it. For instance, in order to out-crazy the Tazmanian Devil man, I would have had to jump up and down, shimmy my shoulders, then start yelling something even more ridiculous than his earlier outburst:

“YOUR PREGNANT DOG IS ON FIRE! OBAMA GOT THREE NIPPLES! I RAPED A KANGAROO IN THE POCKET!!! AAARRRGH!!! THE DAY OF THE GEECHEE IS HERE!!!”

As you can probably tell, you must sacrifice your own dignity and public image in order to use this tactic to scare away crazy people on the street. Not to mention that this maneuver is almost the same thing as playing a game of “Chicken” with someone. If the guy isn’t all that crazy, he’ll be surprised and run away somewhere. However, if this fellow really and truly is crazy, he might attack you I don’t know if crazy-people bites are like zombie bites, but I wouldn’t take that chance of having him infect you with the crazy people rabies juice in his saliva.

So in essence, there’s really only one way to deal with this type of situation, unless you are feeling adventurous. If so, please get someone to tape your attempt at out-crazying someone crazy, then send it to YOUTUBE. It should prove to be entertaining, no matter what happens!