Rants of an angry somali man

Just everyday shyt that bothers me....and probably you, too.....basically its mumbles and rambles i ramble to myself....i hope i can release them all here

Friday, May 11, 2007

Fire On My Ass!!!.....or is it vice versa??

Warning: The following entry contains toilet humor. If that sort of thing is not your cup of tea, well then…I guess you won’t be getting your damned cup of tea. Go on and stick that up your pipe and smoke it!

Ladies and Gentlemen out there, I pose this question: How many of you have ever been betrayed by your butt-crack? I’m not talking about extreme conditions, like elderly people who wear adult diapers because they have no control of themselves. I mean folks who normally have firm control over all of their bodily functions, only to have your booty one day build up the nerve to act unruly and start acting like it runs the show. Thanks to some half-price produce, I know this feeling.

A few months ago, I was grocery shopping at tesco's and a sign caught my eye. It read: “Strawberries £1.49 with card.”

To me, the combination of “cheap” and “strawberries” was too good to pass up. I decided right then, that I was going to buy a pack and snack on them once I got home. Nevermind the fact that it took me 10 minutes of searching to find a pack of strawberries that did not look as if they had been beaten by their husbands. Yes, these were the strawberries that wore makeup and dark glasses around the other berries in the patch, in order to hide the signs of abuse. Despite this glaring warning sign, I figured that this was probably the last day that they’d be edible, so I took my chances and bought the battered produce anyway.

That evening, I ate about half of them before a couple of friends came over. When they arrived, people saw the remaining strawberries and said they looked like something from an episode of CSI or The X-Files. I laughed it off, but about an hour later, the laughter stopped. That’s when my butthole betrayed me.

While we were all watching TV, I felt my stomach lock up on me the same way it wold had I been punched in it. Only thing is, this punch came from within. So I got up and excused myself to go do number 2. I thought I would be able to be discreet, but my butthole had other plans..

I sat on the toilet, and instead of quietly doing my business, my butt let out the loudest “BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAP” sounding noise known to man. It was almost as if my ass were doing an impression of The Human Beat Box from The Fat Boys. Not only that, but during the course of my bad produce-induced trip to the restroom, various other noises were released. My butt would decide to pretend to be Bobby brown on a day that guests were over.

When I was done, walking out of that room was like walking that green mile to the electric chair. I knew I was gonna get it. Folks started out asking if I was alright, then I got joked for eating those strawberries of death. People even said I was in there playing the ass trumpet. All I know is, I learned my lesson about buying marked down items that look like they have about a day of shelf-life left in the grocery store. That’s asking for a butt mutiny!


At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry about the but-orchestra. Lesson learned.
...Nevermind the fact that it took me 10 minutes of searching to find a pack of strawberries that did not look as if they had been beaten by their husbands.... that killed me!

At 10:59 AM, Blogger kipepeo said...

im desperately trying to leave a comment...im still laughing and seeing the screen through my tears of laughter is proving hard...lol...I guess that puts and end to cheap and strawberries being too good to pass up...

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Rant's of an angry somali man said...

aegeus.....thats the problem kubania chapa u end with stuff that kill ya....lakini i got my lesson.

kipepeo....lemme tell ya somethin' never ever go for the discount stuff especially those buy 1 get 1 free....swear u'll regret it!

At 1:39 PM, Blogger waks said...

if this makes u feel any better, I was in the same shoes where u wish the bathroom is sound proof. damn..and lets tell the truth you try to kaza your rasa in the hopes the sounds will stop ama they will toka pole pole but lo and behold the volume and tonation increases!! hahaha...not funny.
Why does this shit only happen when u have visitors?? I can imagine the embarassment..hahahaha.

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Juju said...

u r hilarious!!! I had a blog under another name, and have always been a fan :) U have been tagged :)

At 9:59 PM, Blogger Aya said...

LOOOL, poor you! Nothing like a crack symphony in 5 to ruin a perfectly good evening. If you really want to take that concert to the next level and end up in the ER with an old Indian doctor's finger up your ass, try a day old tuna sandwich. An ex-boyfriend had a nightmare encounter and I laughed for an entire week.

(*P.S. You ought to allow anonymous comments, it won't let me post from wordpress.)

At 2:56 PM, Blogger Klara said...

Now Si I Love the way u narrate, makes it an interestin n Captivating read..
LOL! At that story, Cant Imagine the embarrssment it caused!

At 4:47 AM, Blogger Rant's of an angry somali man said...

waks...sorry 4 late replies....mi mwenyewe hushangaa its as if this things wait till u have visitors!

majonzi....thanx....at least i made u chuckle...right?

aya...i wouldn't hope to reach such circumstances...damn!...an indian finger up my ass!...lolz...no!......i'll try to rectify the problem thanx.

kalra......thanx 4 the compliments....i usually try write as i would have said it.

At 8:22 PM, Blogger Unheardphilosopher said...

it just reminded me how I behaved in bathroom of desirable fella, That is the day I found out I was lactose intollerant....yeah this person can't have any thing with cheese, milk, and eggs...how sad hah!!...Anyways, he offered me ice-cream and after consuming the whole scoop of mocha almond fudge. My mouth enjoyed the taste but my stomach was sending a different message...well, you can imagine what had happend. ...I dont wish to share in details but it was quite like yours......oh gosh...have I felt embarrased.

Good thing you were at your place

At 1:58 AM, Blogger Seeker of Silk Brocade said...

This comment has been removed by the author.


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