Rants of an angry somali man

Just everyday shyt that bothers me....and probably you, too.....basically its mumbles and rambles i ramble to myself....i hope i can release them all here

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Let me begin today by saying this one sentence: I have all the respect in the world for teachers.

When I was young, I figured that all schoolteachers were out to get me, but as I grew older I realized that the majority of the educators I came into contact with were dedicated to their craft and wanted to see me succeed in life. Still, there are a few that I still somewhat believe may be spawns of Lucifer Diablo Satan, himself. One in particular, though: Mr.Kangethe.

Mr.Kangethe taught algebra mathematics at my high school. He was 6'5" tall, skinny, and looked just like moses wetangula(kenyan minister), only with an Adolph Hitler moustache. You could not ask the man a question in his class, or he would make a smart ass comment and attempt to embarass you. If you passed one of his tests, he'd give it back to you, bitter that he failed in his attempt to crush your spirit and future aspirations. If you failed one of his test, he'd hand it back smiling, then say something along the lines of "Good luck in life."

To put it nicely, the guy was an asshole. It was evident that he did not have any real desire to be teaching, and whatever it was in his life that made him miserable, he took it out on his students. Me and my friends used to talk near the back steps to his classroom, and every morning as Mr. Kangethe walked up them to get to his classroom, I hoped and prayed that he's trip and break his leg or something so we'd have a substitute for a few weeks. I know that was cold, but shit. If you had Mr. Kangethe's class, you would understand.

I also had a professor in university, Mr. Brady. I'm not sure if he's a Dr. or not, but since this is my blog...The hell with his title. I'm just calling his punk ass "Brady" today. Brady is a war vet, and to say he has issues is putting it mildly. He'd talk about MSI SCANS, then go up to someone working on a project and be like "You know what you should do to that X-RAY? You should piss on it. Let the urine soak in and give it some character. It has no character right now. So go on and piss on it."

I've seen him throw chairs like A crazy guy. I've seen him scream like a lil bitch in a horror movie. I've seen him leave notes on his office door that read "There is no class today. I am home recovering and taking my glorious drugs. Oh how I love them." You know the funny thing? Despite all this, I still somewhat respect Brady, because at least he actually does want to see the students do well, as misguided and emotionally unstable as he is. Kangethe was just mean for the hell of it. To this day, that't the only teacher I'd still greet with a "F*ck you" if I saw him in the street when i go back to nairobi. Maybe I should let it go...Nah. F*ck that.

I don't want to stray away from the original topic too far, though. I do have love and respect for those who choose to become educators. Teachers deserve more money than they get, and in this day and age, they have a lot more to deal with as far as the students are concerned. I know I'd be tempted to whup a kid's ass if I taught high school age kids.

I keep hearing about this story where a student is accusing his principal of putting his hands on him after he threw a water bottle at the principal in anger. Let me just say this to anybody thinking about throwing a damn water bottle at me: Man, woman, child or animal, if you have enough nerve to THROW A WATER BOTTLE at me, then you should be prepared to deal with some retaliation. Cause I'm retaliating. I might just throw the bottle back or shake the fuck outta you...Or I may choke slam you through a table or hang you out a window by your ankles like the shia's did to saddam. Either way, if you hit me with a water bottle, expect unpleasant consequenses.

So yeah, if I were the principal and someone I disciplined had the nerve to actually hit me with a water bottle, that would probably be my last day as principal. The headlines would read "School Principal Puts Student In Judo Hold, Drags Him Through Hallway, Takes His Lunch Money and makes him kneel walk for 2hours." I might lose my job, but you can best believe that student would never hit another teacher with a water bottle again after getting embarassed and whupped like that. Isn't that was teaching is about? Education for life.

So when I read stories like the one I just spoke of, it makes me appreciate the good teachers like mrs. Runji my swahili teacher. In 28 years of teaching, She claims to have never had a student in any of her classes that she would describe as "bad." They all seem to listen to her and respect what she says, despite her 5'2" petite sized frame. She will even see students years later as grown adults, and their eyes will light up as they come over to greet her and tell her how much they loved being in her class.i myself have made a promise to go see her as as soon as i arrive back in kenya.i would really love to see her since she used call me "headmaster wa marasta" (headmaster of rasta's) and the she used to say "feisal u need some divine help i don't think human's can understand you".It's amazing, to be quite honest looking back i really needed help.Imagine sneaking out of school to buy marijuana to sell to my schoolmates at 16 most people had given up on me....once caught in the middle of the night carrying 70kilo maize flour which i stole from the school kitchen trying to go selll it outside.....damn!wallahi that was crazy!.....i have lots of stories about my high school dayz it just need's another blog....damn this blog brought back lots of memory!!!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I Cannot Think Of Anything



For real, I'm scared. I am RARELY speechless, so when this happens, I don't know how to act.

I might start throwing steak at people down from my office window but damn the whitechapel cctv's.......lots of them for a normal hospital......damn i'm going random now!

But seriously, I need something interesting to happen...I don;t feel like sharing embarassing stories from the past today. I also don't feel like making fun of famous people. They have feelings too, dammit.i don't wanna talk about what's up in somalia i'll just go crazy on this blog......brothers it hurts thats all i can say.

Let me get back to work. Hopefully, something will come to mind. If you readers have any suggestions on topics, or any questions you want to know about me, or issues you want to hear my opinion on, let me know in the comments section......ah no!.....i think i'm gettin' soft this mind is great!........i'll come up with somethin' soon.

ok i have an a idea i'll write my random thoughts today!

I'm not giving this entry any kind of structured form. It's a pure glimpse into the random thoughts that run through my mind. I figure I may as well let you all have a peek into the warped brain that writes all these entries for your entertainent. One warning: I think I have an undiagnosed case of Adult A.D.D., so be patient as my thoughts will probaby end up all over the place thoughout this entry.

And now, a glimpse into my mind:

Damn 2 kilo's khat on a weekend afternoon feels good. Especially after helping someone move......and hell yeah i'm free off work till next wednesday!.......oh i can't miss tommorow's match BARCA vs ESPANYOL....RONALDINHO is back he hasn;t played over last 2 games since the winter break.....i hope deco ankle will be aight for him to play....c'mon puyol show dem the lion you are.......oooohhhh! damn i forgot the AFRICAN KING ETOO will back on monday!!!.......i've missed etoo a lot.

If YOU were moving, wouldn't YOU wash your dishes FIRST as opposed to just asking someone to go in your dishwasher and pack them up for you? No lie...I looked in there at those nasty, plague-infested dishes and was like "HELL NO! YOU pack up them disgusting sh*ts. I think I saw a gremlin hatching from the crock pot! YOU BETTER WASH THAT DAMN SH*T!"

I think I've now heard 6 different remixes to that Young Jeezy and Akon song "Soul Survivor", featuring verses from top notch artists like Jay Z to barely listenable acts like Tony Yayo, and all six remixes sound good. I mean, they even found Shabba Ranks for one of the versions. You know you got a hot track when that shit inspires Shabba Ranks to make a comeback..........Hell, Tupac even came back from the dead to spit a few bars with T.I. and ashanti " pac's life".........this song is killing me!....and thats why i love tupac he alwayz suprises me even from his grave!

But yeah, that beat is one of those ones where you just can't go wrong rhyming over it. Kind of like the "All About The Benjamins" beat was, or the Mobb Deep "Shook Ones" beat.

Keyshia Cole is a hoodrat. Or at least that's the impression I get from seeing her on 106th and Park. I am rather fond of her breasts, though. You don't see breast like those on many women that petite. If she decides on one hair color and gets some braces, I may have to holler at her rough-around-the-edges tombstone teeth having ass...

That was mean, wasn't it? I shouldn't have gone hard and talked about Keisha Cole's yuckmouth like that. I owe her and Fantasia apologies. Besides, if Fantasia ever reads this...oops, I mean, if someone ever reads this TO Fantasia, and she comes after me, I may be done for. She looks like she packs a pit-bull bite. Ol' Jabber Jaw ass, Mouth of the South mofo...

Damn, I can't seem to stop making fun of music people. Time to stop watching MTV BASE. It's poisioning my brain.

need to adjust my balls. The one on the left just slowly slid down as I moved over in my chair...It's people around, so I can't shift homie back up to his rightful position. Ok...they're leaving...hurry up and get the fhe fuck out...YES! I'm out of eyesight...Let me get to shifting...AHH! Back where you belong, left ball! Everythng is right in the universe again!

There you go...a small taste of my screwed up thought process. Now you understand whymy blog is as random as it is. I am just a different type of thinker for some reason. It's a blessing and a curse...But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


This entry may actually save somebody from suffering an unnecessary ass whupping. Since there is too much violence in this world directly attributed to folks in a jealous rage, I plan on doing what I can to heal the world. I know every straight man on Earth has at one time or another been caught glancing at someone else's lady. Hell. It's human nature to look at something attractive, for Christ's sake. Just don't be obnoxious or flagrantly disrespectful and you may even be able to pull it off in an acceptable manner.

For one thing, there is a level of respect you must give someone when they're with a lady. If a man is with a woman, and you stare, act disrespectful or say something lewd as if the guy isn't even around(or even worse, as if you KNOW he won't do shit), then don't be suprised if the man says something back, swings on you, or even stabs or shoots you. Not that it's right, but you brought that shit on your dumb ass self. I know personally, I had to be escorted out of a place by security once because someone harassed a friend of mine right in front of me. The funny shit is, we weren't even interested in each other like that. I just got mad cause the dude snatched her up and grabbed her ass right in front of me like I was some kind of punk and I wouldn't beat him within an inch of his miserable little life.

But that was the old me. And a long time ago. I'm much more gentle and non-confrontational now :)

Now, if a person were to just say something along the lines of "No disrespect, but your lady is beautiful", then the man can't get but so mad. Even if you get caught red handed trying to sneak a peek, you can say something like "For real, can you really blame me for looking? I mean DAMN! My bad, cuz."

The key is to make dude feel validated for having someone that fine on his arm, but not to make it look like you're trying to take his lady or you don't respect him. I know it may not get you any farther with the lady, but the reality of the situation is if she's walking with him, odds are she is not interested in your stankin ass, regardless of who you are. It's very rare that someone who isn't rich AND famous can just snatch a lady off her man's arm right in front of him. Most pimps don't even have that type of influence going for them with normal women.

Now, when you're God's gift to ovaries like me, or even some off brand motherfucker tham may have once acsended to a level of greatness close to mine, sometimes insecure guys will think you are trying to take their lady if you show them any attention at all.

This is where you have options. The first option, walking away, is always a safe one, but where's the fun in that?

The second option, actually start flirting with the guy's lady, may sometimes result in the ego boost of getting his lady's number slid to you on the low...But more often then not will result in fisticuffs, or if you're dealing with an Ike Turner type, domestic violence once the couple gets home. Neither is good.

The third option is usually the one I choose. The smartass option. Let me first warn anyone who uses this option: Think wisely before you decide to use this method. To be a true smartass, you have to be SMART. If you say something that is not witty, or something that is not somewhat over the head of the person you're clowning, then you only make yourself look like an ass. Plus, you may get the shit slapped out of you by both the boyfriend AND the girlfriend. Let me give you a true life example of a smart ass comment that got me out of a situation but then stung dude a little later.

It was a few weeks ago at "SAM'S" a.k.a. The Common Share IN central london(where else...). This ethiopian, Sherman Klump looking fellow was there with a suprisingly good looking somali woman on his arm. So I'm watching football, cracking jokes and minding my business, when his lady laughs at something I said and makes a joke of her own about the same football player(might have been talking about tottenham's danny murphy apple-headed ass. That dude has a fat man's head on a skinny man's body...but back to the story). So dude kept cutting his eyes over to her and then back to me, not even trying to be subtle about it. Then he slides over forcibly in beween where I'm standing and where she is, as if to mark his territory. It was so obvious, he may as well have whipped his dick out and pissed on her leg. So she says something about it, and I interject and say "Nah, it's cool...I understand. If I were you, I'd want folks to know that was my lady, too. She's really good looking. That's a good look for a brother like you."

At first dude kinda smiled...By the time he realized that I was basically saying "How the in the hell did a sloppy motherfucker like YOU pull a woman like HER?!!" I was halfway across the bar talking to the folks I was originally joking around with. See..that was joning with stealth and precision. I didn't even have to strike hard to cut deep.

So there you have it. Follow my advice, and there should be far less violence directly related to vagina this winter. Thank you very much. God bless you. Good night.