Rants of an angry somali man

Just everyday shyt that bothers me....and probably you, too.....basically its mumbles and rambles i ramble to myself....i hope i can release them all here

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


I'm about to share a little life experience with you all, so let me know if anybody can relate to this here. I'm going to tell you all what it was like growing up in a neighborhood that has a crazy person in it.

My guess is, most people that weren't privelaged to live in some kind of rich gated community, probably had at least one, maybe two, crazy people living in their neighborhood. Hell, some of the folks in gated communities had crazy neighbors, too. They just call crazy people "eccentric" when they're rich. But where i was born in eastleigh nairobi had its fair share of them.

Well, growing up, there were a number of people in my neighborhood who fit the desription of crazy, such as a few drug addicts and messed up guyz (some used to say they have been bewitched), but there was one guy who literally struck fear in everybody that walked past his part of the neighborhood. This guy's name was MOGAKA!!. When we were kids, everybody in school was scared shitless of Mogaka. He was about 6 feet tall, slim, really darkskinned, but he had some of the scariest eyes this side of Satan. I never saw them any color other than yellow or bloodshot red. Mogaka wasn't some big muscle bound extra strong dude, but everyone feared him because you could look at him and know that brother was CRAZY. What really made his scary is you never knew what to expect when you saw him. Plus, sometimes he would show up out of nowhere like some kind of crunchy-black ass evil nigga demon from the 5th level of Hell. Just wreaking havoc and whatnot.

There were so many urban legends floating around about that guy, you never knew what to believe. It's said that he stabbed a kid before and did prison time, which may or may not be true cause he was about 30 years old when us school kids used to see him wandering around the neighborhood like the Ghost's of mombasa..I mean, The Ghost of CHANG'A Past. Another story was that he always carried this big ass knife with him. I don't know if he ALWAYS had it on him, but I once saw him with some Crocodile Dundee shit on his waist on the 7th street in eastleigh runnin' after a cat. Tell me a sane reason to carry a Crocodile Dundee knife on your side when you're runnin' after a cat from about a block and a half from your house, and I will leave it alone...but right now it adds up as INSANITY to me. Another story I heard was that he would have sex with anybody or anything, depending on his mood. I wasn't about to find out if that one was true.

All I know is, if you happened to be in any mathree(kenyan buses) whenever Mogaka walked in, that shit got quiet in a hurry. Folks would start ducking in the aisles talking about "Oh shit! it's Mogaka!" Nobody wanted to get shot, stabbed, robbed, or raped out back behind the bus, so we gave that evil-looking wierdo the utmost respect. Sometimes's he'd nod and say "Hello"...others, he'd be like "Fuck you little motherfuckers." Regardless of what was said, he always had the same evil expression on his face. That nigga was harder than NWA Jheri Curl Ice Cube.

The funny thing is, folks would talk shit after he left, and someone would always be like "You ain't say all that shit when Mogaka was in here!"

And you know what? That person would be right. It was library silence when that dude came around. The boldest kids would get up the nerve to yell out something like "Fuck you Mogaka!" or "umbwa wewe mogaka!"(you dog) out of the moving bus window as it was driving off. Even then, that person and everyone sitting near him would duck down in the seat so Mogaka wouldn't see who did it and wait at the bus stop after school.

Nairobi has it's share of crazies, but I still have yet to see anybody that feared dor just being crazy. It's different in a place like Eastleigh, though. That fool Mogaka would have probably gotten shot by one of those kids he terrorized at some point had he been here till today. The only memorable crazy person I see all throughout the city(mostly in haile sellasie avenue or Gill house) is the one guy who always walks around in a fireman's hat and yells obscenities at people walking by. The secret to him is to not look scared. Most women and old people speed up their walk or try to cross the street to avoid him. His secret was revealed one day when this 19 year old somali man(i think he had just arived from somalia and didn't know swahili) got really angry and ran up on him. The guy in the fireman's hat took off up the street looking back to make sure he wasn't being chased. From then on, I realized that he could dish it out, but he can't take it. Plus, he's not THAT crazy. Ol' boy probably thought the young guy was a member of SHIFTA or something.

Either way, if you can relate to these stories about the crazy fool in your neighborhood, please share in the comments section.

Also, if you know Mogaka(since I know one of my readers grew up near that man's street), and if the rumors of his demise aren't true, don't tell him I wrote about him. I'm a grown man now, so I thinkI might can take him if he tries something...but still. I don't want to walk on 7th street in eastleigh one day and get stabbed with a Crocodile Dundee knife by some old-ass red eyed nigga just for something I typed here. If you love me, you'll keep Mogaka from seeing this.

Once again, not that I'm scared...Cause I ain't no damn punk.........baadhen basi!!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

london underground Strikes Again!!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, London Publlic Transportation has struck again. I have had many misadventures and comedic things happen on the Underground, so it never ceases to provide a source of inspiration for humorous stories to write about. Besides the bus, what other place on Earth can you see all of these things in one trip by itself:

A large woman literally slide out of her seat and roll onto the aisle like a roly-poly bug.........It wasn't funny until she did the universal "I'M ALRIGHT! I'm ALL-RIGHT!" sign by extending both of her hands out and downwards really quickly as she got herself together. It happened right near me, so I had to try to hold in my laugh as I picked up a couple of items from her bag and passed them to her. The lady across from me saw my smirk and noticed me looking away. She started chuckling, and that was it. I could hold it in no longer. I had to try to fake like I was coughing, but I doubt anyone believed it. Ah well.

An insane man's conversation with God. This very loud guy was talking to the bus driver about spirituality, and he said this quote: "Sometimes you just gotta talk to God and praise him. You just need to tell him how you feel. The other day I was at home and I said 'Hey God! F you!' I know I'm just this big and he's huge, but sometimes you just gotta tell 'em how you feel. God is good. Praise him!"

Now I don't even know what to say about that one, other than I hope I am not standing next to that man when lighning strikes his crazy @ss.

Getting shot down without even saying a word to a chick. The young lady that was sitting across from me when I first got on the train was cute. So when sat down, I gave her a little smile since I'm a flirt and that's what flirts do. She responded by smiling back, but then started messing with her phone and acting as if she were checking her messages or something. So I pulled out my newspaper and thought to myself "Ok. No flirting for me this morning. Let me look in here and see if this free paper (londonlite) if someone has beaten chelsea." Of course, they did not. west ham of whom i have a lil bit of a soft spot didn't manage to beat chelsea. It's never as simple as me opening up the paper and seeing this fucker's being whopped except that i find a lil bit solace MAN U leading the premier league.....back to my story

When I glanced up from my paper, I happened to see the girl faking like she was on the phone with someone. Unfortunately for her, it actually started to ring in the middle of her fake conversation. I just shook my head with an expression similar to the frustrated caveman dealing with discrimination then went back to my reading.

I didn't even look back at her to see if she was embarassed or not. I could only think: Was all that really necessary? Did I really look like I was going to bother her to the point that she had to talk to her imaginary friend and pretend to use up her daytime minutes? I should have said something smart, but I figured that her looking about as crazy as the conversation with God guy was karma's way of telling her she played herself.

Believe it or not, all of this happened within the span of a 15 minute train ride. As I said before, London underground never ceases to amaze me in the morning.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Any of you readers ever been to Club 55? If so, then you already know that today's entry is going to be crazy.

For those unfamiliar with Club 55, it is a "gentleman's establishment" where ladies "entertain onstage" sans clothing. It's a grimy, hole-in-the-wall spot located on a somewhat seedy part of South London in brixton. Not at all for the faint at heart.

That said, "Trina" dances there, so that makes it worth the trip. Of couse I'm not talking about the real Trina. It's this sexy little lady with a really big ass who strips there. She looks a lot like Trina in the face, but has a booty that easily puts Serena Williams and J-Lo to shame. No competition. Like, her butt is so nice, that it could bring about world peace. Or start World War 3 should she choose to use her powers for evil instead of good. She's Ass-tastic. Ass-tacular. Ass-tounding. Ass-nificient.

So Friday night, I ended up making a trip to Club 55 after watching casino royale. I went with two trinidadian ladies who i got to know through steve(workmate), and we were going to meet up with some other folks that we knew who were already there. The plan sounded like a good one, but it all fell apart once we got to the club.

One of the ladies I came with left with one of her friends for a very long time...I'm not going to assume that anyone was getting fucked or getting high, but I can't think of much else two people could have been doing that long. Then again, I'm probably just going with the worst case scenario since things fell apart after they went on their little excursion. The chick that stayed with me was on her way to being drunk as hell, and I had just met her that night. Things went from us chillin, looking at the dancers(mainly Trina), to her grinding on me with her breasts halfway coming out of her top, to me basically holding her drunk ass up so she doesn't fall on the floor.

So we waited and waited for her girl to come back, and I took her over to the front of the club to keep security from giving us a hard time. Also, that way, if she had to throw up, she would be closer to the front door and the bathroom. Boy, did she choose the wrong place to be a drunk female at...That shit was comedy. Every dude that walked past us came to me and was like "You need to fuck the shit out her. She nice and ready!" Nevermind the fact that she can't walk on her own. Nevermind that she was slipping in and out of consciousness and was basically dead weight at that point. I was supposed to take her out back and wear her out according to strip club logic.

Then again, I can't act TOTALLY innocent. I did accidentally let her rub on my soul pole for awhile...and when her breasts were popping out, I adjusted them for her. I mean if I didn't who would have?

The worst point in the night came when this group of four of the grimiest, most gutter, obviously-been-to-prison-before, look-like-they-just-got-through-beating-someone's-ass brixton motherfuckers walked in the door. These guys looked like they all lived hard lives. Like you could strike a match off their faces to light your cigarette the way they did in the old Westerns. The type of people who had NOTHING to lose in a fight. Breaking a nose might actually IMPROVE their looks.

Well, the ringleader of the group saw ol' girl laying there with her breasts halfway out again, and then said to me "Ay cuz, I know she with you...I'll give you £20 if you let me touch her titty. YOU BETTER PIMP HER MAN!"

I can't lie, I had to laugh at that shit. But when I saw all those dudes reaching in their pockets and pulling out £20s, I had to tell them no. As much as I could have used a quick $80 for babysitting her drunk ass, I figured that would technically make me a pimp. As much as I joke about that shit, I don't really want to actually start selling that chick's body for cash.

Although she probably never would have known...Ah well. I did the right thing. Let me just leave it alone, shit.

Eventually, we got her home, her friend came back, and I got to meet "Trina" the next night at another club. She remembered me from babysitting the drunk girl the night before, which made it easy for me to talk my shit and work the charm. So I guess it wasn't all bad. Let me go ahead and end this post now before I start singing "I'm In Luv With A Stripper" or something. The end.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


I've been slow in updating the past week. There's a good reason, though. I flew to Sevilla and Bonn from last wednesday for a week-long conference. Ok...WHERE are the black folks out this mf cities especially Bonn couldn't believe we were only 2 black's in that mf confrence in which i didn;t learn anything except what i call free holiday 4 no reason...... c'mon NHS its time to stop wasting taxpayer's money ........was particularly impressed with Sevilla really nice place in general,nice people or was it because i could speak espanol muy bien.....enjoyed that much coz i went to watch Sevilla vs Racing at Estadio Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan really liked how sevilla played they really have a good team but i'm still gunning for barcelona to still win la liga nad inshallah champions league!!!!

back to ranting!

But anyway, on the last 3 flights I've taken, I always manage to get stopped for what they call "random mf searches." Hmmm.

Now, I'm not all for these post 9/11 or 7/7 security measures, but EVERY mf time I fly, I'm gettin' an extra search. And not the normal "walk through the metal detector check." NAW!! I get the "Um, sir....can you gather your things and stand over here by yourself, cuz we about to dig ALL THROUGH your shyt" check. WTMF!! I know I'm angry and shyt when i see any authority its something inbred in me, but now I'm a mf flight risk, too?

Obviously, this is some old racial profilin' shit...but how you gon' pick and choose with your profiling. Be consistant with your shyt. You stop ME, but my co-worker Steve Boyle(carribean) walks by unMFtouched?? Ain't this a bytch?! Why I gotta take off my shirt if the metal detector didnt' beep when I walked through it? Punk bastard! Steve got a box that's leaking, but you goin' through MY mf suitcase. I'm not saying he's gonna set some shyt off, but if I get a random search, then by DEFAULT, this mf should get one. Why? Just ME.

So get this. I gotta open ALL my mf bags, take off my shirt, belt, shoes, hat, while mfs are FLYIN' through their security checks. Then, two big azz armed guards roll up on me, asking me to explain why there's a stethoscope in my carry on bag.what am i gonna do with it??.......FOOL!!....all this is happenin' at Bonn airport!!......

ohh!!.......the shit gets worse when i landed...."somehow" my bag was lost. Can it get worse than this???......DAMN!!


I'm SO mf tired of checking my email at work, and finding all these messages that say, "Pass this on to 10 people and you'll be blessed in the next hour." WTF. Come on, man....If I wasn't blessed up until this point, me clickin' "forward" ain't gon do shyt. DELETE!!

Or I get those ones that try to guilt you into forwarding it. Saying, it will only take 60 seconds to do this.....and how we devote more time to lesser shyt like jokes, and videos. You damn straight!! Cuz them Youtube videos are funnier than ur mf. So guess what? DELETE!!

And this never fails to bother me. You ever got an email from a friend especially from christians friends(the so-called saved) asking for a mf favor (usually cash)....but at the end of their email, suddenly, there's a bible passage in it? WHAT??!!......why put ya faith in this shit?.....just ask without quotin' any passages........hey i'm muslim!!!.....some of them goes like this....

"Hey man....how's it going? I need a favor this week. Lemme hold £50 bro i'm broke n u know how it is down this side. You know I got u."
- Luke 2:14: "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Is that how you feel, man? Now, you bringin' the LORD into this? What HE got to do with you needin' £50?? You don't need quotin' scripture. See, normally I would do like I did with the other emails and hit delete. But see, this is different. This time, I ended my response just as appropriately as he ended his request.

Sup....you might be a lil short this week. Money is tight on this end, as well."

2 Chronicles 24:21 - ".....by order of the king, they stoned him to death in the courtyard...."

damn!!...i understand u need something but bro why make me bring out my bad side.......why use ur faith on me......c'mon u should just come straight i'll try my best to help ya!!

Just had to get that out........WOW!!!........what a week!!!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I Will Be Defiant To The End

I have killed.

Before any of you punk-ass snitches start alerting the authorities and checking to see if there's any reward money, let me explain. I killed a bug on Sunday over at my sister's apartment. This wasn't any old bug, though. This bug was unlike any I've ever seen. Picture a wasp, but imagine that wasp has been to prison and spent years on the yard lifting weights and smoking cigarettes. If any of you have seen the WWE wrestler stonecold, imagine that brother with wings and a stinger. That's what I was up against.

I can't lie, when I first saw that big, husky creature fly past me, I ran into the living room yelling for Audhubillah!!. I thought maybe I had finally crossed the line and Shaitan's black angels were coming to pull me down to Hell for all of my jokes against the shitties, the ignorant, and the smelly people of the world. When I looked back and realized it was just a big ass bug, I decided that it had to pay for it's intrusion, and for making me run like a bitch at my sister's place. It was going to be the wasp, or me. Someone was sending someone else to meet it's maker.

I really shouldn't have typed that last sentence, because now you know how the story is going to end. Since wasps can't type...Hell, even if that particular wasp could type, the motherfucker does not know my password or screenname. So since you know that I'm writing this, you know Mr. Wasp caught a bad one.

Mr. Wasp did not go down easy, though. I sprayed it with Raid flying insect spray to get it to fall to the ground. Once it was down and I spotted it, I took a flyswatter and struck down with GREAT VENGEANCE and FUUUUUURIOUS ANGER! I basically swung as hard as I could when I saw the wasp was down, hoping to splatter it on the floor. To my suprise, the wasp was still moving his legs, with a little bit of black blood(or whatever it was) over near the side of him. One leg was moving slower than the rest, as if to say "Is that the best you got?" It took three more hits from the flyswatter to effectively kill that jailyard wasp. The sad thing is, I was swinging on that wasp like I was in a real fight. Like I caught him trying to steal my wallet or something. That's what made it disheartening. All that aggression, and it still took four hits to finish him.

Still, I had to open up a can of "whup ass" and a box of "beat the black off you" on on that wasp. Animal Rights can kiss my ass. No way was I letting that thing live so it could sting the shit outta me or my sister. If they try to come after me, I'm gonna go off on the stand like Sam Jackson and be like "YEAH I KILLED IT, AND I HOPE IT BURN IN HELL!!!"

lol!.........just had to get that one ought!

Friday, November 03, 2006


i've had af free day from the hustle's of whitechapel today......alhamdulillah!..... so i decided to call back home nairobi of which i miss so much.....could not find anyone home coz it's a weekday and still midday down there only person home was the maid and one of my nephew's khalil......proceeded to ask how come he's alone at home.......he told that he was bitten by a dog on wednesday afternoon while with his friends from school i laughed out loud coz this reallly flooded back my childhood memories of how i used to be terrorised by neighbourhood dogz.

Growing up, I had a friend in the neighborhood named Abdikarim. His nickname was KayKay so everybody in the neighborhood knew him by that name. Well, KayKay had this dog named King...a big German Shepherd with a mean temper. As a matter of fact, the dog got the name King because he ruled the neighborhood with an iron fist.

Well, in King's case, I guess it was an iron paw, but back to the story...

KayKay and his dad Umar never kept that psycho dog on a leash, and rarely chained him up. The thing about King is, he would attack only when HE felt like fucking with someone, so you never knew what to expect. Abdikarim tried to sick him on me one day after I beat his ass over one of our many arguements, and King just walked over to me and nuzzled up against me, letting me pet him and shit. kaykay was like "GET HIM YOU STUPID DOG!" Two weeks later, that dog chased me and my cousins for two blocks in a ferocious rage for no reason. I barely escaped. One of my cousins ran head first into a tree branch trying to get away and damn near knocked himself out. He's lucky King was mainly trailing me, because that would've been his ass.

Otieno, our neighborhood's version of the Village Idiot, wasn't so lucky. King's bit the shit out of his ass when he was little. He still has a scar on his head to this day from where King got him.

Although King never bit me, he did get to someone close to me. My pet rabbit Toto. My sister and I ended up getting a rabbit from town called eldoret , and my older bro built this nice outdoor cage for him. So one night while everyone was asleep, King breaks open the cage and killed Toto. Didn't even leave the body. Just blood and dog hair on the side of the wooden part attached to the cage. The hair proved to us all that it was King's evil ass that killed my pet rabbit. Ultimately, vengeance would be mine, though.

Fast forward to about two years later. I'm on my bike, pedalling down the street, when all of the sudden, King comes charging at me full speed like a bat out of hell. I'm not going to lie, I was scared shitless. I just started pedalling for dear life, disregarding stop signs and everything else but Satan's Hound of the Damned that was literally right on my heels. I got about two blocks with that dog still in hot pursuit before I realised that I had no choice but to take desperate measures. I took my left leg off the pedal ind kicked the living shit outta King's, right in the face. All I heard was a loud "AAAAAARRRRRRFFFFFF!" but I refused to slow down. I did it so quick, that I didn't even break my stride on the bike. When I did look back, King was way off in the distance walking around. I slowed down a bit, but kept on pedalling just to make sure I was in the clear.

Thankfully that summer, Animal Control put King's ass to sleep. I know they say all dogs go to heaven, but I KNOW that bitch is burning in Hell somewhere. Probaby chillin in the Devil's backyard eating the grass and shitting all over the place like he used to in KayKay's yard.

damn!!......call it memories.......just had to write it!!!...........

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Vending Machine: 1, Feisal: 0

I was at the Victoria station this morning, and immediately got thirsty for some reason. My thirst led me to the waiting area of the station, where all of the vending machines are located. Deciding to get something carbonated to help jump-start my morning, I walked over towards the soda machine.

As I strolled over to vending machine area, I saw a window of opportunity open. My eyes brightened, and I'm pretty sure a twinkle appeared like in the movies. I saw a ginger ale that someone bought earlier, stuck against the glass and a bottle of Red Bull. The high school aged kid who apparently bought the drink was hitting the machine, but he got frustrated and walked away.

Once I watched the kid leave, I went over to the machine and decided to bump it myself, since the kid appeared to be much weaker than me. I figured it was the only right thing to do. The kid was was late for school. He did not deserve the sweet taste of ginger ale. I, on the other hand, am a hard-working, tax paying, thirsty man getting ready to slave away, picking digital cotton for the man on the very keyboard on which I'm typing this entry. That ginger ale was destined to be mine before they even poured it in the can at the factory!

I bumped the machine enough times to knock it back about 6 or inches, and to also free up the can a little. Then, I decided to buy the Red Bull drink behind it, to knock both loose and then save whichever one I don't feel like drinking for later. Little did I know, the can was lodged in there a little harder than I thought. I put my £1 in and requested the soda, only to see it get stuck behind the ginger ale as well. Somewhere up in heaven, God is showing the clip of me cursing out the soda machine to the angels on his plasma flatscreen, hitting the TiVo button and running it back a few times so that everyone can laugh at the look I had on my face once I realized that instead of two sodas, I got no soda for the price of one. I guess I had that one coming.