I feel like the first black president. Not so much as, I have power or influence, but because I've survived numerous assasination attempts. The latest one being last weekend in London.
I was crossing the street at an intersection, and a very unattentive driver barrelled through the crosswalk and came within 3 or 4 feet of running me over. I mean, your favorite blogger friend would have been done. I'd have been laying on the street, flat as day old beer. The guy realized what he almost did to me, and slowed down to gesture that he was sorry. I yelled a few obscenities at him, and thought about throwing my soda at his car. I decided against that, because I was still thirsty after having broken my last fast, and his car was already dirty so some Pepsi on the side would probably just add accent to the rest of the filth.
That was just the latest one. I've survived more attempts on my life than Tupac, 50 Cent and Jack Bauer. Let me run down the list of Feisal's death-defying moments, just so you can see how resourceful I am.
Survived a car wreck where some fool ran a red light and sped across three lanes of traffic, hitting my poor car right on the driver's side. Was pretty much injury free, because I'm hard as steel. *I went home and drank a quart of gasoline and spit out hot fire in celebration.
Talked my way out of a robbery attempt involving two teenagers with a shotgun. Kept all my stuff and received no bullet holes, but left wondering about what God put me here for. *Then I called up the homies and we rode on them b#tch-made trick ass fools.
Was in a car with foks from my university class when the back tire blew out on the highway. We spun across all 5 lanes of traffic before somehow making it to the shoulder lane. I could see oncoming cars heading near as we spun around in what seemed to be slow-motion. *The cars stopped, when I stood up in the sunroof and whipped out my soul pole. The shadow it cast blocked the sunlight, so everyone slowed down to a halt to witness what they thought was a solar eclipe or the coming of the apocalypse.
Got jumped by four guys over some girl who tried to make her boyfriend jealous by sleeping with me. Left with a black eye, but broke the biggest one's nose and held my own against the rest. *Even ripped a man's heart out, and performed emergency surgery on him to put it back while fighing off the others...WITH MY PINKY FINGER! Only reason I gave him his heart back was because I didn't want to catch a murder charge.
Was chased on a regular basis back in nairobi by a german shepherd dog named Simba and never once got bitten.
I told y'all. I'm harder than your favorite rapper or Morriyan!!!. All this talk has got me thinking, though. God really has led me through all this for a reason. That said, I'm making the most of this blessing called life, and soliciting on the blog again.
Note: All of the above incidents are true. The sentences after the point where astericks have been placed are made up though...I'm hard, but not that hard...Sheeeeeit.!!!!!!